Personal power is essential in every aspect of our lives. As women we use it to advocate for our children, to strive for a promotion, to get our point across and to let our lover know what is sexually satisfying. As women we are notorious for over-riding our innate sensibilities and giving away our power when we need it the most. No, it's not because we aren't intelligent-and we certainly don't want to sell ourselves short-at least not consciously. But, unfortunately, we do just that whenever we rely on self-defeating behaviors that, at least in the moment, may seem like the "nice thing to do," the way to "keep the peace," a polite desire to be non-threatening, or an inner confusion about what to do. No matter what the reason, once we recognize the ways in which we give our power away, not only can we develop new strategies, but we can actually rewire our hard drives so our self-respecting actions become second-nature-and setting boundaries, responding with integrity, and knowing our limits and creative ways to enforce them will no longer require the warrior stance of an Amazon.

In my Intuitive Life Coaching practice, I see FIVE ways women most commonly give away their power.

1. "Being too Nice" can leave you vulnerable to the whims and less than noble intentions of other unless you make your own determinations about being a kind person or simply "being nice" without a thought for yourself.
2. "Keeping the Peace" when you want to scream, may need to take a stand, and have something of value to say.
3. "Not Knowing When and How to Put Yourself into the Equation." Without an established method of self-care you can be too vulnerable to the agendas, timetables and influences of others.
4. "I need a man, a new car, a better figure, straighter teeth...." in order to feel you are deserving of genuine love and respect.
5.  "Being Unwilling to Hold Out for Something or Someone Better." If you find yourself feeling desperate for a relationship, a job, or someone's approval and you need to grab what comes along, it's time to look inward.

~~Being Too Nice.  We hear this all the time these days, "Don't be so nice." Yet, if you're like me, it doesn't feel good to always take the tough stance. It may be uncharacteristic and feel disingenuous. In fact, to many women, it can be exhausting. However, I think there is a difference between "being too nice" because your early training dictates it and choosing to be nice or kind because you feel the person, the situation or your personal integrity merits it. In other words, are you simply acting out of a reflexive m.o. that I like to call, "respondaholic" behavior whereby you immediately offer your assistance, problem-solving strategies or your love and attention without thinking? Do you just act without considering the possible ramifications for your own well-being? Or, whether or not you actually want to be involved at a deeper level with this individual or the situation?  It's important to know the answers to these questions because they can be answered within a split second if you're paying attention to your gut or have already determined that you don't want to engage-or simply don't have time.

Take some time to think about how and why you are being nice. Do you often do it with gritted teeth? Are others often taking advantage of you? And most importantly, does acting nice prevent you from asserting your personal power? If you'd rather be nice than be in charge of your life, it's up to you. But the truth is, you can claim your personal power and still be a considerate, kind and loving person. The difference is, you decide when you're simply acting out of duty, old programming, or others' expectations of being a "good girl," or when you're acting from a place of genuine giving and considerate politeness. There is a big difference. Learn how to distinguish between the two and you can still be "everyone's best friend" on your own terms.

~~Keeping the Peace is a noble endeavor indeed. Yet, as studies show, women who tend to self-silence by biting their tongue, refusing to stand-up for themselves and allowing others to dump on them when they should say "no," have a much higher death rate than those who speak up-and those who speak out. Now, don't get me wrong, speaking out doesn't mean overcompensating with a loud mouth and a harsh tone. While you may have to raise your voice on occasion, be mindful. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Too many of us have spent so much time "stuffing" our ideas, thoughts and feelings that we're not sure how to respond; we may not even be certain what it is we want to say. But I'm here to tell you, finding your authentic voice is one of the most important things you will ever do. Give it as a gift to yourself. It's not only the voice to articulate your intelligence and knowledge, but also the incredible voice of your heart, spirit and soul...and I have yet to meet a woman who, deep down, didn't have a lot to say. While some of us take our voice to the podium or The Senate Chambers, others express it in poetry, lullabies, paintings, computer programs, legal briefs, television and radio shows, acting, and talking silly nonsense to our cats. Even self-talk, when it's positive, creates an inner dialogue that, psychologically speaking, increase your sense of personal power. Then it is up to you to find ways of expressing it. If you're conflict-adverse and abhor tension, you're challenge may be to meditate and reflect on scenarios that made you uncomfortable and come up with verbal responses to better deal with difficult individuals in the future. After all, knowing the right words to use in which situations are like having a well-stocked tool belt, and after some practice you can decide whether a hammer, a saw, or a fine scalpel is the best one to handle the situation, possibly  with some finesse-and if you're lucky, some grace. Just remember, the more you can remain in a place of personal power despite the outcome (after all, you cannot completely control other people no matter how good your verbal judo) and feel good about speaking up when it is called for, the stronger you'll be. Always ask yourself, if you're keeping the peace, is it worth the price? If you're surrounding yourself with those who can't or refuse to hear you, are you listening to your own needs? Maybe it's time to sound off and move to more fertile ground where you can have a voice and it is welcomed!

~~Not Knowing When to Put Yourself Into the Equation. Vigilant self-care is essential for women today. But it goes beyond bubble baths and relaxation tapes. Now, don't get me wrong, these are essential elements of nurturing oneself and de-stressing, yet putting yourself in the equation goes one step further. It's an act of deep personal power because it requires you to say "no" to others when you need rest. It requires you to give up a boyfriend or at the very least negotiate with him if he insists that you accommodate his schedule and his daily rhythm instead of respecting your particular needs--whether it's the amount of sleep you require, time for spiritual activities, exercise and so on. So, if you have not yet established a reliable method of self-care and the time it requires, now would be a good time. I guarantee, when you're more balanced, you are more powerful no matter what joy or difficulties come your way. As I like to tell my clients, taking care of yourself is not selfish or self-centered, rather it's being centered on Self and aligned with those people and activities that make you shine!  

~~Proving Your Worth. Not that I've ever done it myself, but I've read about it-ha! Face it, in our society it's nearly impossible to get away from external images designed to define you. These standards sit outside of us, beckoning for our attention and adherence to their values. Certainly, we all want to look our best, explore new options, and "try on different hats" to see who we may be underneath. Yet, rather than cultivating your identity via external representations why not allow the external representations serve as representatives for you? Why not allow them to give outer expression to the inner beauty, inner power of you? When I was shopping for a wedding gown, the store clerk commented, "You have such a lovely figure, almost anything will work on you." Now, I appreciated the compliment, yet I also took her words to heart as a metaphor for living. A number of dresses would have served the purpose at hand but which ones were merely costumes and which ones, for this important ceremony would best express who I am? When I approached the exercise from this stance, my choice became clear. So, whether choosing an elegant dress, a mate, a career, an activity, or a lifestyle, make sure you are valuing what is special about you so you need not prove your worth to anyone. Rather, the value of your worth is self-evident. Who knows...you may set a trend!

~~Being Unwilling to Hold Out for Something or Someone Better. If you don't value yourself, take care of yourself, speak up for yourself, and love yourself, it is all too easy to settle for less. Without realizing it, you can take what comes your way instead of asking yourself, "Is there something better?" "Dare I imagine someone better suited for me?" "Do I deserve to be happier and if so, how can I make that happen?"

Whether out of insecurity, self-doubt, unworthiness, you, like all of us, can jump toward a relationship, or a job....fill in the blank...without considering if it's something you really want; something that is truly a fit for you. Far too often women relinquish their value system or allow others to override it until they have lost not only their integrity but also the joy of their personal power. Depression, anxiety, loneliness can be the result. Rather than being a respondaholic, take charge of your life. Decide to make your own choices; choices that serve your dreams and desires. Most importantly, trust that if you take action, follow your heart, and are willing to change, willing to grown, then whatever the something better or someone better is, will come along. You will find it despite the amount of time it may take.

Personal power is essential and it can manifest in abundance if you invite it in, learn how to put it into action and trust is strength. It's a valuable currency in your life; earn it, loan it, and spend it wisely.